I am not what you would call a handsome man. God did not choose to bless me with good looks, charm or a fully functional brain.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Knowledge is power and power corrupts. So, study hard and be evil.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Why did the woman cross the road? That's not the point. What is she doing out of the kitchen?
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.
What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives women crazy? A hundred dollar bill.
Why women don't need a drivers license? Because there is no road from the kitchen to the bedroom
The Devil made me do it.
There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of alcohol
My doctor said I wouldn't get so many nose bleeds if I just keep my finger out of there.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
I am cute and cuddly. Agree or die!
Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some idiot who desperately deserves it.