Some Random Quotes, V4

Behind every great women is a man checking out her ass.

No matter what women say: size does matter, it's not that often, it doesn't happen to every guy and it is a big deal.

I threw the neighbors a house warming party or arson as the judge referred to it...

I like sleeping naked. Why can't the flight attendant understand that?

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go down.

My neighbors love my music so much they invited the police over to listen.

Never raise your hand to a child.......it leaves your groin exposed.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2.30 am this morning. Can you believe that? 2.30 am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

Talking on the phone to someone who has children must be comparable to talking to someone with Tourette syndrome

I got a letter this morning from Screw-fix Direct, thanking me for my interest, but explaining that they are not a dating agency

Next time someone tells you that your words can't hurt them, hit them in the face with a dictionary.

My wife asked me if I would remarry if she died. I said "No". She asked me "Why not?" and I said: "I'm not the kind of guy who will make the same mistake twice."

Some Random Quotes, v3

I am not what you would call a handsome man. God did not choose to bless me with good looks, charm or a fully functional brain.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Knowledge is power and power corrupts. So, study hard and be evil.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Why did the woman cross the road? That's not the point. What is she doing out of the kitchen?

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.

What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives women crazy? A hundred dollar bill.

Why women don't need a drivers license? Because there is no road from the kitchen to the bedroom

The Devil made me do it.

There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of alcohol

My doctor said I wouldn't get so many nose bleeds if I just keep my finger out of there.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

 I am cute and cuddly. Agree or die!

Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some idiot who desperately deserves it.

10 Facts About You

1. You are reading this
2. You are realizing this is a stupid fact
4. You didn't realize that I skipped 3
5. You are checking now
6. You are smiling
7. You are still reading this
9. You didn't realize I skipped 8
10. You are smiling again
11. You are enjoying this
12. You didn't realize there are supposed to be 10

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE

My Chat Bots

A while ago I ran across a site that allows people to create AI chat bots. I made a few and I could use some help with programing their responses. Basically, I need people to come and chat with them, so I can see where they need fixes. Click on the bot name to chat with him:


Talk to The Nature Boy, a Ric Flair replica and mostly goes "Wooooooooooo" for now.

Talk to Stoner James, he insults people. Not suitable for children.

Talk to Doctor Mcarthur, your friendly neighborhood psychiatrist


The site tends to get a bit slow, so it may take a few moments for them to reply.

Ignore this! Site went down and bots weren't recovered for some reason.

Some Random Quotes, v2

My mum always said I could be anybody I wanted to be... seems the police call it identity theft

Got turned down for a job today...seems "gangbang" is not a good example of "teamwork"

Bought my ex a new chair... but the state wont let me plug it in

Grass is not greener on the other side... it's fertilized with bulls**t

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine

If you think that onions are the only veg that make you cry, try being whacked in the face with a potato

Its not a hangover... its wine flu

I ordered a self help tape called "How to handle disappointment" when the package came, the box was empty

I was very drunk last night and I took a bus home. It may not sound like a big thing to you but I've never driven a bus before

Beer makes me sexy... keep drinking

I have my phone on vibrate in my pocket today so if you call me and I don't answer... PLEASE keep trying :P

We divorced over religious differences... he thought he was god and I didn't

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today. Instructions said "Take off top and push up bottom". Five hours I spent in casualty

The best way to ward off evil spirits... drink them

If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, you’re aiming too high

It's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passengers have gotten off

Despite the cost of living it still remains so popular

100% of all divorces are caused by marriage

Some Random Quotes

People say you can't live without love... I think oxygen is more important

Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One

Men are like coffee....the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that

Girls are like cell phone. Love to be held, talked too but press the wrong button u get disconnected

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings"

When you said you had a small gift for me, I thought you were going to unzip your pants again

Confucius Didn't Say

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot..

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Kulula Airline

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

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On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
---o0o---
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o---
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
---o0o---
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o---
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o---
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o---
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o---
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o---
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o---
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o---
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o---
Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
---o0o---
A plane was taking off from Durban Airport .. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes!

Say it out loud:

1. Thats not right (Sum Ting Wong)
2. See me ASAP (Kum Hia Nao)
3. Small horse (Tai Ni Po Ni)
4. You need a facelift (Chin tu fat)
5. I thought you were on a diet (Wai Yu Mun Ching)
6. He's cleaning the car (Wa Shing Ka)
7. Your body odor is offensive (Yu Stin Ki Pu)
8. This is a tow away zone (No Pah King)
9. Great! (Fa Kin Su Pah)

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WWE Royal Rumble 2011

Well, I changed the layout, so I guess I can start with my rants.

Rant number one will be: WWE Royal Rumble 2011.

I watched the Rumble the other day and it was fun (I guess). It would be more fun if a spammer in "The Wrestling Game" forum didn't spoil it by writing who the winner of the Rumble match was in a spam topic, but *shrugs*.

Anyway, first two matches were "near fall city" matches (I hate those). I think it's a bit overdoing it. Both Edge and The Miz retained their belts by cheating. Match 3 was supposed to be a handicap match between Natalya against Michelle McCool and Layla, but they added Eve to the mix and made it a Fatal 4 Way match. Eve won the match and became WWE Divas Champion. Alberto Del Rio won the 40 men Royal Rumble match, which was a surprise to me, but more about that later (if I don't forget).

Screwup of the night: Natalya puts Layla and Eve in that double Sharpshooter she did at TLC (she may have done it more times, but I don't watch weekly events). One commentator says: "I love it when she does that move!" and moments later the other one (I think it was Cole) says: "Did she ever do that move before?". Yes, she did it before. She put Layla and Michelle in it in TLC and you were there, dumbass.

Move of the night: John Morrison ended up on the wrong side of the ropes during the Rumble match and when William Regal pushed him off the apron to eliminate him, he jumped on the guard rail (to be eliminated, you have to be thrown over the top rope and both of your feet have to touch the ground). Since his feet never touched the ground, he wasn't eliminated. He climbed up the rail and walked towards the ring steps, jumped on them and entered the ring again. Well done!

Honorable mention: Hornswoggle. It was fun to watch that little guy impersonate everyone.

All in all, Rumble was fun to watch. I don't like the fact that Alberto Del Rio won the Rumble match, though. I understand WWE has to push new people since all of their top stars are too old and half crippled, but there are other people that could get the push. Pushing a guy who has been there for 3 months (might be more, but I don't care) is not the way to go, in my opinion.

My wife killed my train of thought and I forgot what else I wanted to write. I'll just finish up with a possible contender that would never lose the Royal Rumble match: Zach Gowen.

The rules of the Royal Rumble match say that the only way to eliminate a wrestler is to toss him over the top rope and have his both feet touch the ground. For those of you that don't know; Zach Gowen has only one leg, so technically, he can't be eliminated from the match because both of his feet wouldn't touch the ground.


Yes, I'm a jerk.

Introduction

I guess it's time for me to start yet another one of millions and millions blogs no one reads or cares about. Maybe give my wife another thing to whine and complain about. Here I'll be posting crap (mostly), maybe a short story or two, nothing special. I'm a Monty Python fan, so don't be surprised if you see "something completely different". I might not post anything at all here. I doubt anyone will notice, anyway. I'll have to do something about that gay layout I chose for my blog. Didn't see it right on that small preview image. *shrugs*