Some Random Quotes, v2

My mum always said I could be anybody I wanted to be... seems the police call it identity theft

Got turned down for a job today...seems "gangbang" is not a good example of "teamwork"

Bought my ex a new chair... but the state wont let me plug it in

Grass is not greener on the other side... it's fertilized with bulls**t

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine

If you think that onions are the only veg that make you cry, try being whacked in the face with a potato

Its not a hangover... its wine flu

I ordered a self help tape called "How to handle disappointment" when the package came, the box was empty

I was very drunk last night and I took a bus home. It may not sound like a big thing to you but I've never driven a bus before

Beer makes me sexy... keep drinking

I have my phone on vibrate in my pocket today so if you call me and I don't answer... PLEASE keep trying :P

We divorced over religious differences... he thought he was god and I didn't

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today. Instructions said "Take off top and push up bottom". Five hours I spent in casualty

The best way to ward off evil spirits... drink them

If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, you’re aiming too high

It's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passengers have gotten off

Despite the cost of living it still remains so popular

100% of all divorces are caused by marriage