If you don't think drinking gives you added confidence, you should see the shorts I ordered online at 3am
9 out of 10 voices in my head say I am crazy... the 10th just hums the Tetris tune.
Be careful what you wish for because it'll suck when you don't get it.
What's worse than getting a text from your girlfriend saying "I'm breaking up with you"? Getting a second, saying "Sorry, that wasn't meant for you"
If you are ever at a playground this summer and someone asks you which kid is yours, just for fun tell them you haven't decided yet.
Why does gravity cease to function when removing ketchup from a bottle?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Imagine calling for an ambulance and hearing: "I'm afraid we don't do house calls anymore but we can pray for you if you think that helps"
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don't really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don't really mean it.
Triangles make poor wheels
With great power comes a total lack of responsibility.
Woman's "I'll be ready in 5 min" is the same as man's "I'll be home in 5 min".
Looking at Facebook is a great way to realize you can't stand most of the people you know.